spoiled and proud!

So…I’m sitting here looking through journal prompts trying to figure out the best way to speak about myself …and I honestly feel lost.  Like, where do I even start …so maybe I should start at the beginning…you know…my story.

Childhood wasn’t exactly the easiest thing for me to go through.  I can thank my step-father for that. At the age of 8 I was sexually assaulted for a little over a year.  I would rather not go into a lot of detail about that, but to say the least this event alone forever changed my perception of my value and worth.  I mean really, if my own father thought that it was ok to hurt me…why shouldn’t everyone else.

Fast forward a few years.  My family moved to a small town on the Eastern Plains of Colorado.  I wasn’t exactly what you would call popular. I wasn’t into sports, I was overweight, I wasn’t one of the cool kids.  I excelled in music, and I was good in my classes. I had a few friends in high school, but I remember spending a lot of nights at home.

Then college happened.  The 1st semester of college was good…but it was an adjustment.  2nd semester though…that’s when I went outside of myself. I spent a lot of time at the clubs and drinking.  I don’t remember studying a whole lot during that time, but I do have some tequila-related memories.

Fast forward some more.  During my 2nd marriage…I made choices that should have by all rights killed me.  Drug use. I spent 8 years addicted to Dilaudid and Meth. Not only was I using, I was selling.  You would think I would have known better….that’s not how my mother raised me. But…we don’t always make the choices that we were raised to.  I put myself in extremely dangerous positions that resulted to a gun being pointed at me more than once, I have had a broken cheek bone and concussion, and I have overdosed.  These are not things that I am proud of….but again they set a pattern into motion. You see, I was introduced to the world of Dilaudid by my 2nd husband. I do not blame him for me becoming an addict…that is a choice that I made the 1st time I stuck a needle into my own arm.  That being said, there is still some resentment towards him for bringing me into that life. Drugs change who you are. During the 8 years that I was using I dealt with abuse, being cheated on, things I never in a million years thought I would allow my husband to do to me. But again, I made the choice to stay because at that time I truly thought that was what I deserved.

After going through 8 months of rehab in Olathe, CO, I came back to Colorado Springs feeling a little bit better about myself.  But I felt very alone. I had friends and family …but I didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere. So I searched. I looked in church, I looked in friends, I looked in men…it wasn’t until someone took me to their church that I started to feel like I belonged.  Passion City Church became a home for me. Taj took me under his wing…and I had a place, a purpose.

In September of 2016 I met John …who I was blessed enough to marry in April of 2017.  I have found myself doing things that I never thought I was going to…including starting a ministry with John, and honestly writing this blog.  Even though I now see what love is, and know in my heart that my husband loves me…I still find myself still doubting. Why does he love me? Is he attracted to me?  Is he going to stay? Am I capable?

So…that’s a lot about me in a nutshell.  My past, my present, my doubts and fears. Thank you for getting to know me and for taking this walk with me.