Fear of the Lump

Living Life Fat

Fear of the Lump

I found a lump. There, I have actually said the words. The moment I found it was one of the most fearful of my entire life. Fear set in almost immediately. I cried for hours, tried to sleep, then spent most of the next day in tears.

Finding the Lump

So, for the previous week or so I have been feeling some pain in my right armpit. At first I thought that it was a zit or something, but it wasn’t turning red or getting a bump or anything like that. I tried squeezing it to get something out of it, but nothing happened. It didn’t feel like any zit that I had ever had. And every time I would move my arm a certain way, I would feel pain. It was like the lump in my armpit was attached to something. And it felt super hard.

Fast forward to a couple of days ago…Saturday to be exact. I was getting ready for bed, so I took a hot shower. While in the shower, I felt the lump in my armpit, so I decided to so a breast exam. That’s when I felt it. A hard lump in my right breast. I froze. Tears started to stream down my face. My first thought…breast cancer. I honestly think that my life flashed before my eyes.

That night the only person I spoke with was my husband. He was still at work when I found it, so I texted him and told him to call me. When he was able to call me about 30 minutes later, I told him what I found. He was just silent for a moment. Once John got home, he just held my hand for a bit. I think at that point we were both just trying to wrap our minds around everything.

Fear of Sharing

At first, I really didn’t want to talk to anyone except for my husband. We were already very scared, and I didn’t want anyone else to have to feel that fear. In the end though, I needed a support system. So, the next day I called my family members and my best friend. I told them all what I had found and what my game plan was. It was nice having the extra moral support, but I was still scared as hell.

Fear At The Doctor

My doctor was able to get me in immediately Monday morning. She did the exam and was very silent. When she same back in the room, she told me that she wanted to send me for a mammogram and ultrasound. I asked if I should be scared. Her response is wha really scared me. She told me “let me be scared for you”. My doctor isn’t supposed to be scared…she is supposed to be my warrior. I think the fact that she has referred to the lumps as masses and lesions is scaring me tremendously as well. I have had fibroids in my breasts before, and the doctor was able to tell me that they were fibroids based on doing a breast exam. My doctor didn’t do that this time.

Where I’m At Mentally Right Now

So I have my next appointment in a week for the mammogram and ultrasound. Am I scared? Hell yes I am! I don’t know what’s going to happen. Best case scenario…it’s fatty tissue. Worst case scenario…I have cancer. How do you prepare for that? I can try to crack jokes, I can try to plan out every option…but I’m going to be very honest for a moment. I’m so scared and I feel like I am living in fear constantly. I didn’t plan on this…and I don’t know how to handle this.

 

7 Responses

  1. Donna Benson says:

    Why don’t they do the mammogram right away, Kim?

  2. Linh says:

    Oh man! That is scary, I will be praying for you.

  3. Kate Duff says:

    Such an important post – hope you are doing okay now. Thanks for sharing.

  4. CC says:

    Very important post. I will praying for you. All I can tell you, is ok to be scared because it is scary. Been there, and I know how it is. I know is easier said than done, but try to stay positive and one step at time because something like this no one plans for it. From this point on make sure you go with someone for mamogram support becasue that’s important. Because from this pont on you will have a few test done so is important to be with someone. My mistake I went alone to get screened and it was not great. Be strong, Have faith.

    • thepleziafam says:

      Thank you so much doll. My husband is going with me to hold me and, and for me to hold his as he deals with the stress as well.

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