Fear of the Lump
I found a lump. There, I have actually said the words. The moment I found it was one of the most fearful of my entire life. Fear set in almost immediately. I cried for hours, tried to sleep, then spent most of the next day in tears.
Finding the Lump
So, for the previous week or so I have been feeling some pain in my right armpit. At first I thought that it was a zit or something, but it wasn’t turning red or getting a bump or anything like that. I tried squeezing it to get something out of it, but nothing happened. It didn’t feel like any zit that I had ever had. And every time I would move my arm a certain way, I would feel pain. It was like the lump in my armpit was attached to something. And it felt super hard.
Fast forward to a couple of days ago…Saturday to be exact. I was getting ready for bed, so I took a hot shower. While in the shower, I felt the lump in my armpit, so I decided to so a breast exam. That’s when I felt it. A hard lump in my right breast. I froze. Tears started to stream down my face. My first thought…breast cancer. I honestly think that my life flashed before my eyes.
That night the only person I spoke with was my husband. He was still at work when I found it, so I texted him and told him to call me. When he was able to call me about 30 minutes later, I told him what I found. He was just silent for a moment. Once John got home, he just held my hand for a bit. I think at that point we were both just trying to wrap our minds around everything.
Fear of Sharing
At first, I really didn’t want to talk to anyone except for my husband. We were already very scared, and I didn’t want anyone else to have to feel that fear. In the end though, I needed a support system. So, the next day I called my family members and my best friend. I told them all what I had found and what my game plan was. It was nice having the extra moral support, but I was still scared as hell.
Fear At The Doctor
My doctor was able to get me in immediately Monday morning. She did the exam and was very silent. When she same back in the room, she told me that she wanted to send me for a mammogram and ultrasound. I asked if I should be scared. Her response is wha really scared me. She told me “let me be scared for you”. My doctor isn’t supposed to be scared…she is supposed to be my warrior. I think the fact that she has referred to the lumps as masses and lesions is scaring me tremendously as well. I have had fibroids in my breasts before, and the doctor was able to tell me that they were fibroids based on doing a breast exam. My doctor didn’t do that this time.
Where I’m At Mentally Right Now
So I have my next appointment in a week for the mammogram and ultrasound. Am I scared? Hell yes I am! I don’t know what’s going to happen. Best case scenario…it’s fatty tissue. Worst case scenario…I have cancer. How do you prepare for that? I can try to crack jokes, I can try to plan out every option…but I’m going to be very honest for a moment. I’m so scared and I feel like I am living in fear constantly. I didn’t plan on this…and I don’t know how to handle this.