Life Without My Mother
My mom was one of my absolute biggest cheerleaders. She was always there for me. She prayed for me daily. She taught me so much. So, when my mother passed away on September 10, 2016, my life was forever changed.
I remember my phone ringing in the middle of the night. It was my aunt. I heard her say the words “She’s gone…” and I remember feeling like I was lost. The only other thing I remember from that phone call is her asking me if I wanted to come see my mom one last time and say goodbye. I felt like a part of my soul had been ripped out. How was I supposed to say goodbye to her? How was I supposed to go on without her?
I remember waiting in my front yard for my sister to come pick me up and take me to the nursing home where my mother had been. I stood in my yard in the middle of the night crying and screaming. Why? There was so much I still needed to say to her, so much I still wanted to experience with her. And now it was all gone.
One Last Look…
Seeing my mother in that hospital bed was so hard. She looked so very small and fragile. But, she also looked so very peaceful. She was no longer in pain. I remember my aunt and my sister leaving the room to give me a final moment with my mother. There was so much that I wanted to say, that I needed to tell her. But the only words that I could say were that I was sorry. Sorry for missing so much time with her. Sorry for disappointing her. Sorry for not being the daughter that I should have been. And I remember telling her how much I loved her, how I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to go on without her.
I remember leaning over and holding my mother’s hand and giving her one last kiss. I said goodbye…the hardest goodbye I have ever said. My aunt and my sister took me home before they took my mother away. I don’t think that I could have watched that, because I don’t know that I would have let them do it.
The Final Goodbye…
My mother’s funeral service is exactly what she would have wanted. She always told us that she wanted us to celebrate her life, not mourn her death. With family and friends there, we did just that. We had a slide show of pictures along with so many of her favorite songs, both Christian and secular. We had food. And we all mingled and told each other stories about her. She was loved so very much by so many.
Today Without Her…
There are still so many things that I want to tell my mom. So many things that I wish she was here for. I wasn’t able to have my mother at my wedding. She won’t be at my graduation next year. I know that she is there in spirit, but it’s not the same. And while the rest of my family will be there cheering me on and hugging me…my mother won’t.
There are still times, even 3 years later, that I want to pick up the phone and call my mom. Questions that I want to ask her. Moments that I want to share with her. I feel guilty for taking advantage of the time that I had with her. I guess I thought she was always going to be around. I was wrong.
I wish that I could change that past, that I could have more time…but that isn’t possible. So, now I try to cherish the relationships that I have. I have worked hard to try to mend broken bridges. I have held tight to those I love. I remind myself that our time here is limited. I have learned how to love in a deeper way, and how to hold tight.