Life Without My Mother

Living Life Fat

Life Without My Mother

My mom was one of my absolute biggest cheerleaders. She was always there for me. She prayed for me daily. She taught me so much. So, when my mother passed away on September 10, 2016, my life was forever changed.

The Call…

I remember my phone ringing in the middle of the night. It was my aunt. I heard her say the words “She’s gone…” and I remember feeling like I was lost. The only other thing I remember from that phone call is her asking me if I wanted to come see my mom one last time and say goodbye. I felt like a part of my soul had been ripped out. How was I supposed to say goodbye to her? How was I supposed to go on without her?

I remember waiting in my front yard for my sister to come pick me up and take me to the nursing home where my mother had been. I stood in my yard in the middle of the night crying and screaming. Why? There was so much I still needed to say to her, so much I still wanted to experience with her. And now it was all gone.

One Last Look…

Seeing my mother in that hospital bed was so hard. She looked so very small and fragile. But, she also looked so very peaceful. She was no longer in pain. I remember my aunt and my sister leaving the room to give me a final moment with my mother. There was so much that I wanted to say, that I needed to tell her. But the only words that I could say were that I was sorry. Sorry for missing so much time with her. Sorry for disappointing her. Sorry for not being the daughter that I should have been. And I remember telling her how much I loved her, how I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to go on without her.

I remember leaning over and holding my mother’s hand and giving her one last kiss. I said goodbye…the hardest goodbye I have ever said. My aunt and my sister took me home before they took my mother away. I don’t think that I could have watched that, because I don’t know that I would have let them do it.

The Final Goodbye…

My mother’s funeral service is exactly what she would have wanted. She always told us that she wanted us to celebrate her life, not mourn her death. With family and friends there, we did just that. We had a slide show of pictures along with so many of her favorite songs, both Christian and secular. We had food. And we all mingled and told each other stories about her. She was loved so very much by so many.

Today Without Her…

There are still so many things that I want to tell my mom. So many things that I wish she was here for. I wasn’t able to have my mother at my wedding. She won’t be at my graduation next year. I know that she is there in spirit, but it’s not the same. And while the rest of my family will be there cheering me on and hugging me…my mother won’t.

There are still times, even 3 years later, that I want to pick up the phone and call my mom. Questions that I want to ask her. Moments that I want to share with her. I feel guilty for taking advantage of the time that I had with her. I guess I thought she was always going to be around. I was wrong.

I wish that I could change that past, that I could have more time…but that isn’t possible. So, now I try to cherish the relationships that I have. I have worked hard to try to mend broken bridges. I have held tight to those I love. I remind myself that our time here is limited. I have learned how to love in a deeper way, and how to hold tight.

10 Responses

  1. Kris says:

    I totally understand how you feel about your mom! My mom will be gone 4 year on November 24th . Thank god for the memories

  2. Claire says:

    I just wanted to say how beautiful this post is.

    I lost my mum last year and my god all of what you described is exactly how I felt and still feel now.

    Sending love to you x

  3. Rachel says:

    I lost my mom 12 years ago and it’s still so tough knowing everything she is missing, including meeting all her grandkids.

  4. Kara says:

    Great Post! I lost my mother 10 years ago, and still think of her every day. She was a wonderful rock for our family, and gone too soon. I’m so thankful for the time she had with us!

  5. Cori Ramos says:

    Thank you for sharing this. I know exactly how you feel. I lost my mother 2 years ago and it’s taking me some time to get it together. Ever since I lost her I feel like I’m in a tailspin just going through the motions. And now that it’s the holidays it’s even harder because it was her favorite time of the year. Sending hugs your way!

  6. Carolyn says:

    Thank you for sharing this. I’m coming up on the one year anniversary of my mom’s death and it hasn’t been easy. I keep having those feelings of “oh, I have a question for her,” or “I need to tell her this one thing.” It’s endlessly awful. But stay strong. Sending love and positive energy your way.

  7. Faria says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom in 2013 and my life hasn’t been the same ever since. 🙁 *hugg*

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  9. Thank you for sharing this very personal post. I also lost my mom and I feel the same way about wishing I had more time. I also love the positive message you share at the end. Wishing you the best.

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